​Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior can exist in various relationships. Parental relationships, family relationships, friends, coworkers and yes even partners. While all of the aforementioned relationships may include someone who behaves in an unhealthy, controlling manner, it is perhaps the romantic relationships that may feel the most intrusive and at times traumatic.. 
What Is Controlling Behavior?
Controlling behavior is the act of one person expecting, compelling and/or requiring others to submit to their own needs even at the harm of others. A controlling person targets an individual and then through various means dominates them in an unhealthy, self-serving manner.
Who is Being Controlled?
Sad but true it is likely to be individuals who are the closest to us in one capacity or another who control others’ by taking advantage of introversion, trust, and a deep seeded belief that just because love exists then there is no way that this person of importance would hurt us deliberately. 
Someone on the receiving end of a controlling person may often find themselves just “giving in” to keep the peace. Additionally, a person involved in a controlling relationship may experience:

• Difficulty expressing their needs
•  Fear that opposing the controlling individual will lead to a fight
• Anxiety, panic attacks, depression
• PTSD after long periods of control

Behavior Signs of a Controlling Person
The person exhibiting controlling behavior is likely to exhibit plausible deniability, often using partial truths and gaslighting as a way to cause confusion with the ultimate outcome of “getting their way” Other signs of controlling behavior:

• A need to be the center of attention
• Threatening with ultimatums
• Playing the victim by utilizing phrases such as “I don’t know how” or “I do everything, all I’m asking is for you to do this one thing”
• When something is to be done i.e. a household chore or task the controller conveniently uses “we” instead of “I statement” Most of the time “We” means You do this and I’ll take the credit
• Putting you down
• Turning the situation around so that it appears as if the individual they are trying to control has done something to “make them” behave in the controlling behavior
• Refusing to “talk about it anymore” once they have gotten their point across, thus not giving the other person a chance to discuss their feelings
• Throwing temper tantrums to get their way
• Using the excuse that their partner “does it better” so it would just be quicker if the partner takes care of what the controller wants

Causes of Controlling Behavior
There are various reasons why some people try to control others.

• Traumatic Past Experience
• A need to “feel in control” or “feeling of self-importance”
• Low self-esteem
• Being raised in an environment whereas a child the person learned that through manipulation they could always get their way
• Parental or Guardian figures who always did everything for their child which in turn leads to a learned helplessness situation

Common Ways People Control Others

• Jealousy
• Isolation
• Silent Treatment
• Guilt Trips
• Intimidation
• Emotional Blackmail
• Financial Exploitation
• Physical Abuse
• Playing the Victim or Martyr
• Self-centered behaviors
• Gaslighting
• Playing the Blame Game
• Creating Drama
• Control through little Punishments
• Control through Weakness or Need
  • It involves refusing to try to stand in your own power and thus pushing others to have to do things for you they don’t want to do.
• Charisma
  • Using charming, captivating personalities to persuade others to do what they want, through flattery, excessive talking, and name dropping

While controlling behavior may include one or more of the aforementioned signs, controlling behavior exists on a spectrum from the unconscious, sub-conscious as well as accidental to completely intentional.
The positive to all of this….controlling behavior is a learned behavior and thus controlling behavior is something that can be “unlearned” and replaced by healthier behavior. If you find that you are in a controlling situation or that you may be a controller yourself start by asking if this is the way you want the rest of your life to go?” If the answer is no then take the step and reach out for help.
Contact me at:

• 218-994-1599
• www.MYDRSCOUNSELING>COM
• drscounseling@gmail.com

 
Daniel R. Sullivan, MA, LPC
May 05, 2020

     It's a scary time for all of us right now. Most of us could have never imagined maneuvering through life in the 21st century blindly. Yet, here we are living day by day in an unprecedented uncertainty.  It is that feeling of uncertainty that may be the reason for many of us being stressed out. An overwhelming sense of fear, panic and sadness may be building up and we simply don't know what to do with all this flood of emotions.
        However, even uncharted areas of our lives there are things we can do to try to ease some of the stress, panic and sadness. While everyone is managing life in the midst of a pandemic differently there are a few steps that we can do to bring us some emotional relief.

• Take a break from all the negativity. While it is important to remain informed step away from the television, put down reading materials and turn off podcasts and other news related sources…this includes social media. Constant intake of pandemic information can be unnerving and lead to anxiety, panic attacks and depression
• Allow yourself to grieve. All of us are experiencing loss in varying degrees. Bottling f up stress, panic and sadness is likely to lead to emotional and physical exhaustion. 
• Self-Care is extremely important.
  • Begin to practice deep breathing exercises
  • Stretch in the morning and evening. Stress leads to tension and tension in turn  leads to more stress
  • Practice Yoga
  • Meditate in a way that works for you
• Eat Healthy, balanced meals
• Get plenty of sleep
• Pamper yourself. Give yourself a facial, manicure, pedicure. Something that is a reminder that you are special and still deserve to feel special
• Get creative with exercising. It's amazing what things you have around the house that can be used for daily exercise
• Limit alcohol intake
  
• Take all prescribed medications as prescribed. Do not increase, decrease or eliminate medications all together without consulting your Doctor                           Keep smiling...Keep shining tomorrow is a brand new day. We can get through this together!
  

Halloween has just ended and before we have had the opportunity to pack away the ghosts, ghouls and goblins the mad dash to ring in the holidays begins. Joy to the world…Christmas, Christmas time is hear, time for fun and time for cheer…Happy Holidays, everywhere we turn we’re told that it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Yet for many the delight and expectancy is more 50 shades of the holiday blues.
​
On March 14, 2014, I received the call that no one wants to hear. My partner of 11 years had died of heart failure and suddenly I was thrust into a year of firsts. The first birthday, First Pride fest, First Market Days, and likely the most challenging first holiday season without his being around has stirred up a roller coaster of emotions. Unfortunately, grief is not a lateral process where once one-step is worked through you move onto the next. Thus, each time I feel a sense of peace in moving forward, bam I am hit with another first. So, like many of you here I am again…another first…the first holiday season when he is physically no longer there. So, how do we find some sense of joy during what may be your first holiday without our loved one? In all honesty, I am not 100% sure, but experience and some training have presented me with some tips, which I plan to use. I am passing these on to each of you and trust that somewhere in these tips you will find something that will work.

1. Be gentle with yourself. Just because everyone around you is singing, Happy Holidays does not mean it automatically will rub off on you.
2. Do not isolate. While taking time to yourself can be a positive thing, too much time on your hands only exacerbates the feelings of sadness
3. Do not over schedule. While keeping busy may help, overbooking can add to the stress.
4. Remember that holidays will be different without your loved one. Change can be difficult, it can be saddening at times, but different does not have to be a bad thing.
5. Do not over indulge. Remember alcohol is a depressant. I am in no way telling you to “just say no” but over doing it can increase, the depression not makes it go away.
6. Consider going somewhere different for the holidays. Sometimes you just need to shake it up a bit, leave town, take a vacation, and go visit a friend or family that you have not seen in a while. Wherever you feel comfortable, that is where you should be for the holidays!
7. Give back. Sometimes in our own pain, it helps to give back. Seek out opportunities to give back to others, a soup kitchen collecting toys for tots, visiting a children’s ward or nursing home.    
8. Do not eliminate traditions. The holidays bring up a myriad of memories. Embrace the positive memories and utilize the traditions as a way of drawing strength from those happy memories of you and your loved one.
9. Create new traditions. Maybe you want to light a candle in honor of your loved one. Perhaps having friends and family members each share a story regarding the holidays and your loved one, which brings them joy. Create those new traditions, which include the memory of your loved one. While your loved one may no longer be physically here, they can live on through your memories and newly created traditions.
10. Take time by yourself to remember. Honor the memory of your loved one in a way that is special to you. This year on Christmas Eve, similar to what I did at my former partner’s memorial service I plan to take a rose down to Lake Michigan and release it. For me it is a way to say you will always have a place in my heart and a part of my holidays.

If you are one the plethora of individuals who have suffered the loss of a loved one, the holidays can feel more like a burden we cannot wait to be over rather than a time of fun and cheer. While others rush from holiday party to holiday party, shopping into all hours of the night, and prepares for the annual holiday traditions, those grieving may be experiencing any number of depressive/grief related symptoms such as insomnia, anxiety, intense sadness, loss of appetite, and outbursts of anger, which lead to friend or family conflict. If you are experiencing any of the aforementioned symptoms and feel overwhelmed, you are not alone. Reach out and seek some help. While some businesses may close down for the holiday season, I do not. Call schedule an appointment and let us work through this together.